Published 30-03-2008: The Hindu online edition of India’s National Newspaper

 Published 30-03-2008: The Hindu online edition of India’s National Newspaper   

     Reproduced by kind permission of the author Sudha Arora.

      The violence of silence

      SUDHA ARORA

            When a woman is unable to identify emotional abuse, how and to whom

            can she describe it?

      Darkness within: Only when a woman values herself will things improve.

      I am a 62-year-old housewife. My name is Trisha. It hardly matters what my

      name is. What does matter is that I was a singer with a bachelor’s degree

      in music and a music teacher in a reputed college. After my marriage with

      two kids in four years, I had to leave my job as my husband wanted me to

      take care of our kids. From a stage singer, I reduced myself to a bathroom

      singer.

      My husband always used to shout at me for no specific rhyme or reason.

      Once when I was sobbing, my son said, “Why are you crying? At least Papa

      doesn’t beat you up!” Later, he told me that his best friend’s father

      would beat up his wife, so it was okay if Papa just shouts and does not

      raise his hand.

      I developed high B.P., thyroid problems and peptic ulcer. I knew something

      in me was dying. At the age of 45, I felt like singing and started my

      riyaz. One evening, in a fit of anger, my husband broke my tanpura.

      Now, for the last two years, I live alone. I am happy and enjoying the

      music I lost in that homemaker’s journey. My sons stand with me. I have

      started taking music classes at home. I wish I had realised my worth

      earlier but better late than never.

      In most women’s organisations, ‘sexual violence’ or domestic violence gets

      great publicity. However, ‘mental torture’ or emotional abuse is not as

      prominent because other forms of harassment are ‘visible’, easily

      detectable and identifiable.

      In my 15 years of counselling, we did not handle a single case of ‘mental

      torture’, a complex, painful, and unrecognised form of abuse that has no

      visible solution. A strategy of silence and non-communication is a form of

      violence. Rarely is the victim able to identify the problem and so it is

      all the more difficult for a third party to intervene.

      Certain social, psycho-social and economical issues are involved. In

      India, a boy grows up internalising patriarchal views of male superiority.

      When he fails to acquire the desired status or prominence in his career,

      he compensates by trying to control his domestic life.

      Another situation occurs when he enjoys a high status at work along with

      the sycophancy that accompanies it. The problem arises when he is unable

      to leave behind the ‘halo’ and ‘aura’ of the workplace. As a result he

      tortures his wife finding a sadistic pleasure in crushing her personality.

      Constant compromise

      Generally these couples appear to be very happy and fulfilled because

      women from comparatively conservative backgrounds gradually learn to

      adjust to every kind of environment. It has been deeply ingrained in her

      that a woman must learn to compromise.

      When the woman gets used to the shouting and screaming, she does not see

      it as torture. When unable to identify her problem, how and to whom can

      she describe it? Over time, she begins to believe herself lacking and

      unworthy. And her self-esteem takes a nosedive.

      If she raises the issue the response usually is “What has he done wrong?”

      Because there is no physical violence, everyone fails to recognise the

      damage caused by silent negligence or verbal abuse.

      There is one significant difference between mental torture and physical

      violence. The aggressor in the latter case knows he has done wrong. The

      situation is just the opposite in the case of mental torture. Because the

      husband does not raise his hand or leave scars on her body, he does not

      bear the burden of guilt. Such men have a split personality.

      As well-known writer Mannu Bhandari wrote about her celebrated writer

      husband in her autobiography: “As such there is a private and public face

      of every person… I do not know how many people are even aware of two

      aspects of their personality but Rajendra (Yadav) seems to be almost

      obsessed with it. The reason too is quite clear because there is such a

      vast difference between these forms (Rajendra is quite conscious about it)

      that the people familiar with his external form would never even believe

      that there is another person deep inside his personality which is

      extremely cruel, hardened, almost inhuman. This aspect of his personality

      has been borne by those who have been living under the illusion of being

      loved by him.”

      Stress-related ailments

      This kind of unidentified stress gives rise to a number of physical

      ailments. Some women suffer from asthma while others suffer from

      indigestion or acidity leading to unexplained loss of appetite and

      weakness. Piles, ulcers in the stomach, sinus, migraine all result from

      the negative effect of mental stress. Some women suddenly feel breathless

      and worry that they have a weak heart. Many opt for expensive

      investigations and tests but are disappointed when the results are normal.

      They are unable to link the cause of their sicknesses to mental stress or

      neglect.

      Counselling a victim of mental torture is difficult. Rarely do outsiders

      come face-to-face with the man’s actual personality that the woman has

      been dealing with. Firstly such men never visit counselling centres even

      when called. When they do they wear the mask of being socially well placed

      and cultured. They insist that it is the wife who needs to change her

      attitude. Or they keep mum trying to project the opposite image of that

      projected by the woman.

      Dealing with it

      A woman needs to choose her own strategy to deal with mental violence. It

      is not enough to attribute it merely to her husband’s nature or

      environment or his traditional upbringing. It is also important to

      recognise and define the frustrations caused by this lack of

      communication. Economic independence does not succeed fully in changing

      this kind of violence, but it certainly enhances a woman’s decision-making

      power. Many equations change due to economic independence.

      The first and most important thing is attaching maximum importance to the

      woman’s own existence or individuality. In Indian society, the happiness

      or sorrow of a woman does not depend on her own mood. It is determined by

      the expression on her husband’s face. The day she understands that her

      life and moods also have value or when she builds her own independent

     space, she will acknowledge her control over herself and things start

      improving.

      People today often look down on a divorcee. Older women think it is better

      to suffer the excesses of one man and stay under his guardianship. In fact

      many do not even believe in an equal and loving marital relationship.

      Times have changed. Not every woman stays quiet forever. They have begun

      to recognise the phenomenon of ‘Silent violence’ or ‘mental harassment’.

      They have started exhibiting the courage to come out of it. They have

      begun to nurture their lost self-respect and existence.

      The writer is associated with the Vasundhara Counselling Centre for Women

      and is based in Mumbai.