The following letters and replies are examples and do not represent actual correspondence. Please note the e-mail and letter counselling services are no longer available.

Roger: transvestism

Nadine: prison relationship

Chris: alcoholism

Jim: gay issue

Jackie: love and shame (reply not printed)

Roger’s letter.

Dear Colleen,

My name is Roger. I am an accountant with a good salary, a fine home, a number of long-standing friends and a fiancée. Why then am I writing to you? I am a transvestite, most fulfilled when dressed in female attire.

My fascination with women’s clothes dates from approximately twenty years ago, when a gala royal wedding was featured on television and newspapers. Seeing the gorgeous clothes in exquisite materials and colours, I began to yearn to wear them. I was eight years old then. After that, when Christmas or my birthday approached and my family would ask what gifts I would like, I felt obliged to request train sets, model airplane kits or table tennis, while inwardly longing to say, “Buy me a red satin dress like the one in that picture.” Or, “I would love a white chiffon scarf, like Aunt Anne’s.”

This passion did not subside with the years. If anything, it became fiercer as I watched my sisters and other girls my age begin to enjoy the kinds of outfits I craved, but knew I could not have.

While at university, I began to experiment with cross-dressing, but made sure no-one ever suspected. I was only attracted to women, never to men. I dated a lot, and at twenty-two, fell in love with a girl. She and I began discussing marriage, but I felt that, since my cross-dressing was so vital to me, that I should confide in her regarding it. When I did so, she became uneasy. She said she loved me and did not like to be judgemental in any way, but that she had a definite problem with my cross-dressing. A few weeks later I broached it again, and she said she would like to know more about it. I decided to show her a photo I had taken of myself dressed in an elegant evening gown with matching high-heeled shoes. The girl then began to cry and said she would never feel able to accept me on those terms, and could not consider having children with a man who had “such a fetish”. We parted, both weeping.

Though I understood, I felt terribly hurt, that was six years ago; since that time, I have kept my emotions barricaded. Eleven months ago, however, I started having dinner with a colleague. Things were casual at first, but I found myself increasingly drawn to her. Four months ago, I asked her to marry me, and she accepted. I had hoped to guard my cross-dressing from her, but now realise that I cannot keep such a major part of my life locked away from my partner. On the other hand, I fear that revealing this to my fiancée will have the same effect as it had upon my university girlfriend. I dread the hurt of losing this treasured relationship. At the same time, I cannot give up my transvestism. Can you advise me?

In desperation,

Roger

Colleen’s response:

Dear Roger,

Yours is a difficult, painful dilemma.  It is natural for you to fear a repetition of your hurtful experience. At the same time, you are right that such a critical aspect of your life should not be concealed from your lifetime partner. Successful marriage is based on trust. Since you clearly intend to continue to cross-dress, your only viable option is to discuss it openly with your fiancée. Perhaps it is best not to show her a photo of yourself in women’s clothes just yet. While I understand your wish to illustrate your transvestism in a vivid way, it may prove a bit overwhelming. Let the discussion remain verbal, unless and until your fiancée specifically asks you to provide her with a concrete example.

As you say, there is the potential for rejection by your fiancée as a result of this revelation. Ideally, though, if you outline it, from its beginnings, to her much as you have done in your letter to me, she will grow to understand it. This acceptance may not be immediate. She may need time to adjust, to learn to accept it. If so, give her all the time she requires. Do not feel hurt or rejected if she voices concern or even, initially, some repugnance. In time, she will come to appreciate your honesty on such a sensitive issue. 

If, on the other hand, your fiancée does decide that she cannot enter into the marriage on those terms, you will still have been right in being frank, and so need harbour no regrets. Failure on your part to let her know would have entailed constant concealment and subterfuge. If in time she discovered your transvestism, she would doubtless feel hurt and angry that you had not discussed it with her prior to your marriage. 

I wish you the best, Roger. Please write to me again at any time if you feel I can be of further assistance.

Warm regards,

Colleen

Nadine’s letter.

Dear Colleen,

During this past term at my university I volunteered for a project to teach debating skills to prisoners. This has entailed travelling in a group to a local prison two evenings per week, in order to instruct prison inmates and monitor their developing skills.

Shortly after starting this work, I began tutoring a charming, delightful convict. At first it was hard for me to understand how such an articulate young man could have wound up in prison. I tried to ignore the growing attraction between us, deeming it unprofessional and non-productive. Over the past three months, however, my absorption grew to the point that it began to absorb nearly all my thoughts, until I found myself counting the days until my next prison visit. Before I had often felt lonely and vulnerable, but after finding this man, I gradually began to feel happy and safe only when I talked with him inside his prison. He said I freed him when I was there, and I felt he liberated my innermost feelings in a way no other man had even attempted.

This man was open about his past crimes, admitting that he had been a drug courier for a major heroin and cocaine cartel. He explained that, coming from a poor family, he was drawn into this trade in his teens. At first he did this in order to help his mum, who had been abandoned with six children by a philandering husband. By degrees, he himself had come to enjoy the easy, tax free cash flow, until it had become an integral part of his life. In time, his “friends” allowed him to “take the heat”.   When he was arrested at Heathrow airport and none of his comrades came to his aid, he realised he had been foolish. He added that having learned much from his years of confinement, he wanted nothing more than to find the right girl and go straight, ideally working with youthful offenders. He then said I was his ideal woman, and pleaded with me to trust him. I did.

As I, too, have made mistakes in my life, I accepted all he said, believing in his wish to reform. At his request, I agreed to speak on his behalf at his upcoming parole hearing, informing the parole board that I was prepared to sponsor him if he were released. By then I would have earned my degree, and could rent a flat for us both in the city. From there, he could commute to his weekly probation sessions. 

All went well until he began to ask me about how we would survive, and mention how much money he could make if he did the occasional courier job. He added that having been exploited and victimized, he now understood the pitfalls and could make sure to avoid them. Seeing my shock, he finished by saying he would choose any assignments with care, and only engage in the courier work until the two of us became solvent. Then we would marry, begin to have children, putting all criminal thoughts in the past, once and forever.

Colleen, I feel horrified that this man, whom I had come to trust through these months, would still consider returning to crime, when released from prison. Perhaps selfishly, I am also frightened that I might be implicated as his sponsor. From what I understand of the law, if I knew of his drug courier activities and failed to report it, I could be found guilty as his accomplice. If nothing else, I am petrified of marrying and having children with a man who plans to pursue criminal conduct. I am heartsick, as I do truly care for this man. Even so, I cannot bear to risk my whole future for his sake. 

Please, can you help me?

Kind regards,

Nadine

Colleen’s response:

Nadine, your situation is painful to read, as it must be to live through. Although cautious at first, you have given your love and trust to a convicted criminal, who, though at first he expressed a wish to reform, has now let you know he plans to revert to his criminal conduct upon release from prison. 

First you must deal with your feelings of loss. You believed you had found a partner for life, only to be sorely disappointed. The loss of this belief is bereavement. As such, you will need to pass through the various stages involved in the grieving process. Although people may differ in the order of stages, these are: denial, sorrow, and anger, then ultimate acceptance. From your letter, it sounds like you have worked through your initial disbelief (denial) into sorrow, approaching a degree of anger. Let yourself have all these feelings, Nadine. Do not dismiss any of them as unjust or irrational. Even if you feel a good deal of rage, understand that this anger is healthy. You have been severely let down, so your anger is natural.

Now I would like to address your concerns as to your potential responsibility, if you allowed this man to live in your flat, after sponsoring him before his parole board. While your sponsorship in itself would not implicate you, if you allowed him to live in your flat, knowing of his probation violation and criminal acts, you could be implicated in his crimes. This would be especially true if he concealed controlled substances in your home. Even if you were not viewed as an accessory, you might face wrenching periods of interrogation by the police and perhaps judicial authorities.

Nadine, difficult as it will be, I advise you to sever this relationship with the convict. He can only bring you hurt and distress. Once you have obtained your degree, you should succeed in obtaining a fine job, and in the course of time, meet a partner who can bring you lasting joy. 

Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance to you.

Warm regards,

Colleen

Chris’s letter.

Dear Colleen,

I am thirty-six years old and have been an alcoholic for nearly twelve years. In addition to numerous job losses, my alcoholism has resulted in a series of social catastrophes. During these times, my aggressive behaviour has alienated a number of friends, colleagues and romantic partners. Having completed a rehabilitation programme and joined Alcoholics Anonymous, I have not imbibed alcohol for the past eight months. 

Despite my sobriety, I now feel panicked at the thought of entering any social environment, especially those in which I have humiliated myself in the past. I feel more relaxed in new settings, but the fear is still there: what if I somehow fall back into my former patterns? The idea of taking part in any group activity reminds me of those horrific times when my drunken behaviour ended in ostracism. Even the thought of lunching at a local restaurant makes my heart palpitate, my breath come in gasps, and the skin on my face and chest erupt in hives. 

I am so scared of losing control in a public place that I am growing more and more isolated. I am now terror-stricken at the idea of going to the most casual meeting, petrified that I might have a panic attack. To compound my misery, I am now afraid of losing my few remaining friends and my job, due to my fear of appearing in public. 

I would appreciate any guidance you might give to this problem.

Kind regards,

Chris,

Colleen’s response.

Dear Chris,

First I would like to commend you for your rehabilitation and recovery. This process is always difficult; you deserve credit for your courage in undertaking and pursuing them.

In situations where you have experienced past chagrin, it will prove hard at first for you to participate. You will sense shadows and echoes of past occasions, expressed in the eyes, voices and body language of those around you. It will be crucial for you to bear in mind that every human being has made mistakes. Each carries his/her guilt and regrets. Despite the past, you can reshape the view people have of you by consistent changes in your behaviour. Without explanations or apologies, behave in your new, sober way so consistently that, by degrees, these contacts will grow to respect these changes. Although this may take more time than you wish, it will happen in time, Chris. In the meantime, discuss these concerns with your fellow members of Alcoholics Anonymous. You will undoubtedly find that many experience similar issues. Perhaps they might have some pointers in terms of developing confidence. If nothing else, it will help you in your struggle to know that it is a shared one. In addition, place yourself in as many new social situations as you can, preferably those in which no alcoholic drinks are available. These new forums will give you the opportunity to create friendships in fresh environments. 

Regarding your panic, first consult your doctor for a complete medical check-up, in order to rule out any physical cause or after-effects of these episodes. Having ascertained your physical health, I suggest a series of steps to assist you in overcoming your panic, either before or during a social event. First, remember that your subconscious mind is like a sponge, as open and flexible as a computer memory. Your subconscious does not distinguish between past, present and future. For this reason, it will absorb and utilise any messages you choose to implant. 

Thus, before feelings of panic begin, or when you sense anxiety starting, you might engage in the following inner self-talk:

The pounding of my heart will soon stop. Though uncomfortable, it will cause me no harm. Others have experienced this same feeling and have suffered no adverse effects as a consequence. These feelings will pass. They are temporary. I am in control of how I behave. I am friendly, likeable and relaxed. I like being with people, and know they often enjoy spending time with me, too. I am free of the past. I am here in the present. I will think only of today and tomorrow. In a moment, I will take a deep breath. If I cannot get a full, deep breath right away, I will wait a moment, and then breathe as deeply and fully as I can. I will then think of a relaxing image, and sit and let it fill me with calm. When I feel relaxed and ready, perhaps I will speak to someone, but only when I feel at peace and serene. I am in control of my actions. Slowly, I will begin to feel peaceful. This peace will fill my mind, easing downward, bringing relaxing warmth through my head, soothing the muscles in the back of my neck, and then gliding down the top of my spine, sliding down through my shoulders and into my arms and hands, and throughout the rest of my body. . 

During this self-talk; avoid such words as “can’t” “not” and “try”. You will wish to keep your mindset positive, open to upbeat, encouraging thoughts. 

Chris, please contact me again for further support, if you believe I can be of assistance to you. 

Warm regards,

Colleen

Jim’s letter.

Dear Colleen,

I am a nineteen-year-old boy living in Australia. I have never taken much interest in sports or other male pastimes. The most fun I ever had as a child was with a girl cousin who let me make bead necklaces and tissue bride dolls with her. I felt grateful she never thought I was weird, although everyone else did.

Two years ago I began dating girls because it was expected. Instead of asking out the prettiest girls, I chose friendly ones I knew I could talk with, who would not expect the whole macho thing. That worked out OK-at least my parents and friends quit hassling me about why I was not dating anyone. Colleen, I feel embarrassed to write this, but my wet dreams have always been about boys. When I masturbate, I fantasise about boys, not girls ever. I hoped this might be just a stage of development that I might one day fall in love with a girl, if I could just find the right one.

Several months ago I volunteered to help with a liberal political campaign. Last July, I went on a leafleting trip with a group from a local chapter. One slightly older boy in the group, in his early twenties, went on the leafleting expedition as well. I think I suspected he fancied me-I was developing feelings for him. During the trip, we all did some drinking. Late one night, this older boy and I went off to his private room by ourselves, and I had what I guess is called my first gay experience. I had never felt so alive in my life; I think I might even have fallen in love. Later we both felt a bit ashamed, both of us trying to hide what we’d done from the group. For the rest of the trip we avoided each other, but now that we have come back to the city, the urge to be together is overpowering. I now believe I am gay, but am frightened to tell my parents and family. I think they might be ashamed and wind up by disowning me. On the other hand, if I carry on dating girls, I am being dishonest both with them and myself. 

Is this an unusual problem, Colleen? I don’t know what I should do. Can you help me?

Thanks for listening,

Jim

Colleen’s response.

Dear Jim,

Your problem is by no means unique. Many young people your age struggle with these types of issues, and almost all of them feel alone.

To begin, I am glad you found a girl cousin who shared her childhood crafts activities with you. In addition to being enjoyable, it helped you to understand that you can have girls as friends. This will always be possible, at any age, Jim. 

As to your forays into dating girls, it sounds like you had enjoyed some worthwhile conversations. The girls undoubtedly enjoyed them too, and probably found it a relief to be with a boy for an evening’s companionship, freed from pressing hormonal demands. Having said that, you are correct in surmising that it would not be fair, either to girls or yourself, to continue dating if your sexual orientation is gay. If a girl were to grow to care for you in an intimate way, she would eventually be hurt by your lack of interest. It would also not be fair to yourself to attempt to force yourself into uncomfortable situations. 

Your wet dreams and masturbatory thoughts, coupled with your recent “gay experience” indicate that your orientation is homosexual. Let the relationship with your friend evolve, without fear or embarrassment. 

Having acknowledged yourself as a gay man, you can begin to consider discussing this with your family and friends. It is natural for you to fear rejection, at least at first, by your family group. Families often do struggle, for a time, with the idea of a gay family member. 

You might begin by approaching a relative, perhaps your girl cousin, who seems likely to accept your gay lifestyle. You will probably find that person far more accepting than you at first expected. Having made a start, you could then move onto more immediate family members.

If this proves overwhelming, consider working with a counsellor, through your school or in your community. You might then invite your family to a group session, during which the counsellor will explain your issues and concerns to your family in an objective, no threatening way. 

Expect some consternation at first, but trust your family to respect your decision. I believe, Jim, that in time you will find love and acceptance. In all likelihood, your immediate family has wondered for some years if you might be gay. The subject has doubtless proved hard to address, but now that you have brought it to the fore, they will be relieved and happy to acknowledge it with you. 

Jim, I recommend two books which I both you and your family may find worthwhile:

Consenting Adult, by Laura Hobson

The Family Heart: a Memoir of When our Son Came Out

By Robb Forman Dew. 

Please feel free to contact me again to let me know of your progress.

Warm regards,

Colleen

Jackie’s letter

Dear Colleen

You may remember that my Mother wrote to you over a year ago about her daughter’s drug problem (that’s me)

You advised my Mum about the first steps to get me to a drug rehab contact.

After a long struggle I am now clean, although it will always be hard I shall stay clean. During my drug days I was away from home either on the street or sharing with those like me or in a shelter. Mum was on her own, but always managed to find me somehow and never gave up on me.

It was having a place to go home to after rehab that gave me the added support, and Mum who had also become my friend was understanding and caring.

Shortly after returning home Mum and I moved home to another town. Mum new that by moving away from the district and drug culture that still surrounded me it would make the future an interesting challenge, and keep me away from temptation.

I now do allot of reading and have joined the gym. The drugs screwed up my education, but I have found an interesting job at a local travel shop.

So although things are ok on the outside and I mix well with people around me; I am secretly in turmoil and suffer distress because of my past.

The first part of my problem is the person I became when I was in the drug culture. I am basically a nice person and care for people, and think about the consequences of my actions. When on the drugs anything good about me took second place and I became a different person. I did some awful abusive things to other people. I was nasty vindictive and did not care. I conned and coerced people, got involved in petty crime, theft and fights.

I am now waking up at night often in a cold sweat cringing at the hurt I have done to others. I know that I cannot change the past, but I want to tell those people that I am truly sorry and know that I was a really nasty foul-mouthed person. The problem is I will never find them, I don’t even know who they are, yet I know that they are burdened with the memory of my horrible actions. This guilt I carry and can never appease causes me to become tearful and these horrid memories surface at random. I also think I should be punished for what I did. Maybe living with this guilt is my punishment.

I don’t want to be told that the drugs are to blame.

Can I make this guilt less bearable?

Since getting my job I have made some friends including the trainee manager at the travel shop. He is 22 a year older then me. We have been out a few times and I think we are getting close. He is a nice guy and caring and I am seriously thinking that my future may be with him. I have told him about the past drug habit and to some extent about the person I became. He has said that that is the past and he trusts me not to go back to that life. That might seem ok in that we have shared the bad things about us together. It has always been important to me to share everything with the guy I fall in love with, which is what a perfect relationship is for me.

What I have not told anyone is how I funded my drug habit. It is something that I am so ashamed of, and makes me feel disgusted with myself. I know that I can never tell my guy about it, I am sure he would find me repugnant and drop me immediately.

I prostituted myself both on the street and with other druggies to anyone to get money.

I cannot imagine that any man could accept that his wife was once a hooker, and if I were to bring myself to tell him and he accepted it, I know that one day in an argument he might as a last resort might call me something horrible related to my past street job. I suppose I must keep it a secret and live with it.

Before you tell me that it is ok to keep it locked away, my problem is also the shame of the things I did with those perverts both men and woman, and before you tell me that we are all ashamed of some things, I am going to tell you of some of those things I did, and then you will know that I am a disgusting worthless person and should be ashamed.

So here goes: “this part of the letter has been removed”.

So you can now understand that when I have a genuine loving relationship with my guy, I will feel incomplete, because I have given myself to other nameless people to the extent that I could never do with the one I love. I have debased the meaning and expression of love.

I think that I would be untrue to my true love and should try and do at least something that will bring me some dignity, and that is to break of the relationship, and never become involved with love again.

Maybe denying myself the true love of another is the solution to my inner failures, and is something I can live with.

I have read some articles about this type of problem, and I am thinking that suffering in loneliness must be easier than burdening another with the symptoms of the shame and guilt that will surely surface and affect me in the future.

Can you help me to do this?

Jackie

Reply not included.

 © Colleen Swan